Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
