don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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