she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
did you just send me my own nude
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
