seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
