Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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