Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
