my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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