i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
