I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
