you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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