If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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