College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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