Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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