Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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