You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What a dumb baby whore.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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