my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
