he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
