There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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