I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
