Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My life is pants optional.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
