Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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