my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I need water and some morals
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize