I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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