New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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