chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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