Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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