I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize