my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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