The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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