She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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