While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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