i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
