Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
