He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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