You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
