I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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