I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
