so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
