I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
