I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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