Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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