I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
