i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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