im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
