both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
