Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
