moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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