You work out of a Hotel?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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