she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
