I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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