We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
