I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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