My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
What a dumb baby whore.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
