Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
