did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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