my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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