dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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