Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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