So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
