My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize