i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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