the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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