Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
my liver is dry heaving
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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