Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
